The sports star apology once was a deeply humiliating event, for all involved. How the mighty has fallen!
Now, we’ve become accustomed to the press conference to boo-hoo over wild promiscuity, abuse of steroids and recreational drugs, or just random crime sprees.
Most recently, it was golf mega-star Tiger Woods (who, apparently, became confused and believed he was part of the Professional Girlfriends Association), before him retired baseball slugger Mark McGwire (“Um, remember those home runs I hit from here to Canada? Surprise: steroids.”). Football and basketball players, boxers . . . name any sport, and you’ll find a disgraced hero, sniffling at the microphone.

For those sure to follow, here’s an all-in-one guide that, with slight modifications, can work for any sports hero who needs to do a little explaining:

“First of all, I’d like to say that, because certain crime investigations may or may not be ongoing, I can’t go into details or answer questions.

“We cheat tourists and drunks,” promises a sign at Pat O’Shea’s Mad Hatter, an Irish bar in San Francisco.
Perhaps Ocean Shores should keep this in mind, when trying to solve the city’s woeful budget problems. Not so much that part about drunks, as they tend to have empty wallets; the tourists, that’s the treasure chest that Ocean Shores should be looting.
Here’s a few “think outside the box” (and, quite possibly, “think outside the law”) ideas to invite our visitors to help pick up the city’s operating tab:

press bw 2web

And how about a smiley face in the middle of the thing?

“Why are people so friendly here?” my visiting brother-in-law recently asked me.

Indeed, aside from City Council meetings, folks around here do tend to be quite friendly. They are so affable that they don’t just embrace visitors and each other; no, these local North Beachers organize, and befriend all sorts of things.

There’s the Friends of the Library, Friends of the Clinic, Friends of the Beach and Citizens for Balanced Growth; I like to think of them as “Friends of the Weatherwax.”

With this in mind, I would like to start a new group:

Friends of the Roundabout.

I know, I know, some people think a no-stop traffic circle at Chance a la Mer and Point Brown Avenue is the worst idea City Council has ever approved. I disagree, with three words: ozone water treatment.

The TV news this morning had some great tips on how to stay cool in hot weather . . . great tips, if you’re a 2-year-old.

Here are the kind of “tips” they give us (maybe I’m exaggerating a little, but it’s pretty close):

*If you’re thirsty, drink something.

*If you’re going shopping and it’s hot out, don’t leave your dog in the car with the windows rolled up. Or your kids. Or your husband.

*Don’t wear a heavy, woolen sweater. 

Ocean Shores is lowering speed limits, starting June 22. (See next post.)

While they’re at it, here are some other laws and fines that should go on the books:

•Delay of Turn Signal. Technically, you’re following the existing laws, if you throw the turn signal on just before turning. But what are you saying? “Ha ha, fooled you! Now you can’t turn in front of me!” Or is it “I’m such a random person, I could turn at any moment – beware!”? Either way, you should be fined, $15 per offense.

•Manufacture of a Rumor With Intent to Tell. Small-town gossip may sound like a harmless way to pass the time, but it can lead to greater crimes, such as snobbery, innuendo and even snarking. First offense, soap mouthwash. Second offense: the stocks (in the middle of the new Roundabout?).

•DUI (Dialing Under the Influence). “Shy shush shwanna shay shy shove shoo!” Punishment: No beer for a week.

Three recent stories have been a nice distraction (for me, at least) from the Mariners’ losing streak/plummet to reality. 

The stories: A new book says Alex “A-Rod” Rodriguez started using steroids in high school, and, as a major league, tipped pitches to opposing batters (hoping for the same in return); quarterback Brett Favre is considering coming out of retirement; and L.A. Dodgers slugger Manny Ramirez, whose previous bizarre behavior was often shrugged off as “That’s Just Manny Being Manny,” was suspended after testing positive for artificial testosterone and a female fertility drug.

Here’s how I see these stories playing out, in the near future:

May 15: Favre releases as statement promising “I’ll never throw a football again. Not even to my kids. I’m retired forever, and that’s it.”

May 16: Super-slow motion instant replay of A-Rod at bat appears to show that he is blinking “Throw me a fast ball down the middle and I’ll take you to dinner” in Morse code.

An acquaintance of mine, who claims to be a time traveler, sent me this “postcard from the future”:

Dec. 31, 2009

My dear comrade,

What a year it has been! What a great time to be a Citizen of the great United Socialist States of America!

Let me reflect on these amazing 12 months, and offer some commentaries.

•In January, a new Administration took over. It was announced that, since banks are the backbone of our economy, and several of the largest banks had less actual cash than the average Third Grader who saves his or her allowance, the Administration would take the banks under a gentle wing, and protect them from having to pay for their disastrous investments. 

•In February, the Big Three car manufacturers drove from Detroit to Washington, D.C., and explained to Congress that a) we’re going to need help from the government to survive; and b) can you lend us gas money to drive home? Realizing that the Big Three were the backbone of the American car business, the Administration draped a gentle arm around their shoulders, whispering, “There, there, everything’s going to be all right, just sign here and we’ll get you out of this mess – and don’t bother to read the fine print.”

•In early March, executives from various financial institutions caused outrage by trying to cash six and seven-figure bonuses, generously paid for by the American tax payer. “I can’t understand why people are upset, I totally deserve my bonus,” argued one banking executive. “Do you know how much stress losing other people’s money has caused me? I haven’t slept more than seven hours a night in months.”

Your hard-watching Sports Fan is working at full tilt, this month. It’s not just about “March Madness,” which has come to be synonymous with the NCAA men’s basketball tournament. (Little known fact: the term came about when a young woman in Chicago literally went insane, after her tournament-watching boyfriend failed to realize she had cut her hair, lost weight, bought a new outfit and got engaged to his best friend.)

March of 2009 also has professional basketball and hockey “heating up” as they charge toward post-seasons which will last the remainder of the calendar year. Throw in a busy NFL off-season, with wheeling and dealing and the college draft fast approaching.

Then we have Major League baseball’s “spring training,” a glorious time during which the Sports Fan is certain that this will be the year for his beloved team. (Even though his beloved team hasn’t won a championship since Abner Doubleday was waxing his mustache.)

This week’s “Locals Only” column takes a tongue-in-cheek look at our busy leader:

President Obama is coming off a week so dizzying, it left some pundits scratching their heads, and others rolling on the floor with laughter.

His week went something like this (some of this may or may not be entirely factual, as the following relies on half-memories, blogged rumors and other distortions):

-It all started with Obama becoming the first president to go on sports channel ESPN and fill out a “March Madness” bracket. He quipped “I haven’t had this much fun since I quit smoking – again,” as he filled out the bracket. (He nailed 14 of the “Sweet Sixteen” teams, so he knows what he’s doing, here at least.)

-Then, Obama became the first president to go on a national talk show, appearing on “The Tonight Show.” He quickly became the first president to make a gaffe on a national talk show, using the terms “AIG exec bonuses,” “Tim Geithner” and “Special Olympics” in the same sentence. 

-Undaunted, Obama launched the “Fight the Recession Bus Tour,” hitting 30 states in just five days.

The weekly newspaper editor explains the magic of the Webbernet, or whatever they call it:

Sometime in early 2002, a bottle washed up on the shores of Lake Washington, not far from the Microsoft “campus.” Inside the bottle was a note: “Help! It’s Bill, I’m stuck at a conference in Ocean Shores. I asked one of the ‘locals’ where I could go for wireless. He looked at me funny and said, ‘What? We haven’t had the telegraph office here for a couple years, but if you go over to the IGA I hear they have one of those facts machines.”

All that was soon to change.

In late September of 2008, an 8-year-old boy was poking around the sand near the Chance a la Mer approach, looking for clams. He hit something solid, and, being an 8-year-old boy, decided to hit it harder. And harder again.