This week’s Locals Only, another vacation from reality (or sanity?):
It’s been quiet around Ocean Shores . . .As they say on Death Row: “No noose is good noose.”
Well, we have had some minor drama over here in the 289 of late, with the “don’t feed the deer processed food!” ordinance. Come to think of it, wouldn’t we all be better off, if we only ate fruits and vegetables and no “processed food”?
When things like this come up, when the city seems to gnash its teeth in agony over speed limits and deer feedings and sweep multi-million dollar issues under the LID – sorry, I mean under the RUG, it’s always a good time to check in with my counterpart Tome O’Scanlinn and his convoluted Atlantis City for perspective.  Unfortunately, as I wrote in the introduction to his bizarre little “Atlantis City II: Death in the Dunes” book-of-some-kind, I haven’t heard from him, since he dropped off his manuscript. (Written, in crayon, on pizza boxes

Councilmania
In this corner, standing 6 foot 2 and weighing a powerful 185, silver-haired with steam coming out of his nostrils . . . The Mighty Mayor!
And in the other corner, weighing in at just over 1,200 pounds, they are tough, they are mean, they are . . .  The Combative Councilors!
Half of me, the one that used to do social work, wishes Mayor Garland French and Ocean Shores City Council would just get along. That French wouldn’t let his buttons get pushed and blow his stack so often. That council would resist the temptation of getting “the substitute mayor” all wired up; you know, like how kids used to bait “the substitute teacher.”
The other half of me, the one that is a paper-pushing journalist, says . . .let’s get ready to rummmmmmble!

When the oft-absent Peggy Berry announced her resignation from the Ocean Shores City Council, and the Mayor announced he was seeking applicants for the empty seat, I heard the call to public service!
Unfortunately, it went right to voicemail.
But then I thought about this job:
•No heavy lifting
•No early-morning hours
•Comfy chairs
•”Only” $350 per month, but hourly, perhaps as much as $50 per
•No IQ test
•No common sense test

This week’s adventure into the ridiculous:

There’s not a whole lot going on politically, out here.
The County is trying to figure out how to put sewers in Illahee and Oyehut. “This is a recording . . . “ My suggestion: Merge the two, into either Illahut of Oyehee. Call it “an exciting new beach resort town, just outside Ocean Shores!”
Hey, it worked for Seabrook. They got sewers, why not here?

Dear Pauls:
Just wanted to drop a note and say “Merry Christmas and Happy New Year,” and let you know what we’ve been up to, in 2010.
As you can probably guess, it’s been another tough year. We’ve all had to work extra hours, and have cut our family budget down to the absolutely necessities.
And yet we still seem to be dipping into the “savings account” . . . Of course, we’ve had to make some unexpected loans, and that has put a huge dent in what

Latest in a series of editorials nagging the City (won’t that nosy Editor ever shut up?!?):
A Tourist, blinded by the weekend’s stinging rain, stumbles for the shelter of a gift shop, where a Local is standing in the doorway, numbly watching the downpour.
“Good grief, it’s really coming down!” comments the Tourist.
“Yesterday was worse,” the Local says. “Tomorrow it’s supposed to really start.”
“No kidding,” says the Tourist, bouncing on one leg to let some water out of the ear. “When’s it going to let up?”
“Pretty soon,” answers the Local. “March. Maybe April.”
Finally able to see, the blinking tourist looks around. “Do they sell umbrellas in here?”
“Oh, I wouldn’t use an umbrella,” the Local says with a frown. “You’ll just make it mad.”

The above is, in all likelihood, a fictional encounter.
The real world of Ocean Shores tourism has been perhaps even more bizarre.
In the last four years, the Convention Center/Tourism funds have borrowed some $500,000 . . .

If someone were to give you $3.3 million, you would spend it wisely.
Maybe you would take a trip and have some fun, but only after you would pay off some bills.
After getting rid of your debts and having a good time (or two), you would probably be feeling philanthropic, so perhaps you would put some of the money to good civic use. Say, build a sidewalk or two, for the poor local kids who have to play dodge-the-cars on their way home.
Yes, if someone were to give you $3.3 million, you would put it to good use!
You wouldn’t, under any circumstances, use all of it to re-build the Tonquin Bridge.
Unless you were Ken Lanfear.
Or Ocean Shores City Government.
What’s that you say? Never heard of the Tonquin Bridge?
Well, why would you?!

Unless you need a really, really fast way to get from the Oyehut Wildlife Recreation Center to Wawona Ave SE.

This week’s Locals Only, posted in honor of today’s “study session” on the budget:

Dear Bob, Dave, Dick, Gordon, Jackie, John and Peggy:
Let’s talk about taxes, shall we?
Now, Dave, Dick, John and Peggy, I know you just voted for a 1 percent increase in property taxes, for all of us simple folk in Ocean Shores, next year.
Perhaps you didn’t read the proposal correctly. It was a 1 percent INCREASE, that you voted on.
After we Ocean Shores voters passed two property tax increases, for EMS and the Library, that will give the city around $750,000 MORE than you folks collected from us, this year?
Bob, Gordon and Jackie, thanks for having some common sense. And a bit of decency, toward your people . . .

For all of the quirky politics and questionable projects here in the 289, at the approach of Thanksgiving 2010, I give thanks for this: That I don’t live in Atlantis City.
Indeed, any time I feel like we’re going in circles, with the circles getting smaller and leading down the drain, I call up my old friend and casual acquaintance, Tome O’Scanlinn. He’s my counter-part, the editor of a modest weekly in Atlantis City, a little-known (some would say “mythical”) town due west of Ocean Shores. Personally, I’ve never been there, as it sounds like a precarious journey, just to land on the shores of A.C. According to O’Scanlinn, the tides and winds have to be just right, or you’ll sail right past Atlantis City and end up in Westport . . . or worse.

Email from a reader: “I agree with the “Locals only” by you of Nov. 3 “Can we please get answers”? I can only hope you have received some sort of answer as to your (our) request. If you have I would expect the answer in a following edition of this paper. If not, those of us who have a like request (if not in writing) would like to join in with a similar request to the mayor/ council.”

My reply: I welcome you to join the get-answers cause, as I have not had much luck. Let’s take a look at that column’s questions — up-dates (even if none) marked by *** P.S. Though there has not been much of a direct response, I have full faith/hope that Mayor French will do the right thing.

The Nov. 3 column:

The first “Locals Only” column of 2010 called for an investigation of the Street LID, which had grown from less than $32 million in 2007, to an estimated $40 million, at that point.
At the first City Council meeting of 2010, then-Mayor Dean Bunkers took time during his “mayor’s report” to blast the North Coast News for a few stories,