This is an unconfirmed report, but it’s been brought to my attention that a certain market in a certain town has opened a 9-items-or-less Express Lane.

It should be noted that this lane was said to be open today and today only.

The following were prohibited at this special Express Lane:

1957: The respected BBC news show Panorama announced that thanks to a very mild winter and the virtual elimination of the dreaded spaghetti weevil, Swiss farmers were enjoying a bumper spaghetti crop. It accompanied this announcement with footage of Swiss peasants pulling strands of spaghetti down from trees. Huge numbers of viewers were taken in. Many called the BBC wanting to know how they could grow their own spaghetti tree. To this the BBC diplomatically replied, “place a sprig of spaghetti in a tin of tomato sauce and hope for the best.”

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*At 1 p.m. on April 1, the Friends of the Roundabout will gather at the 4-way stop sign for a 10K race; the first runner to complete 1,000 laps will win a GPS.

*City workers, doing prep work for the LID, were digging early on the morning of April 1 when they uncovered several zoning codes and minutes from old city council meetings which had been missing for years.