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Locals Only: A soggy rebuttal
From last week’s North Coast News.
Copy of email sent to ngsforum@nationalgeographic.com
Dear National Geographic,
Your recent issue has a writer driving around Ocean Shores with a University of Washington geologist. Noting we have no high ground, and but one little road out of town, the scientist moans that if a tsunami comes, “These people are toast, soggy toast.”
Thank you so much. This is exactly what we need, and you folks are so awesome. (I’m being sarcastic, in case you haven’t noticed).
As the editor of the most widely-read weekly newspaper in all of Ocean Shores, I cannot protest this strongly enough!
Indeed, I demand a retraction, and one with traction!
How dare you call us “soggy toast”?!!!
Here we are, trying to work our way out of a Recession and attract visitors to our charming little town by the sea.
Now what? Should we put up big signs in Seattle and Portland saying “VISIT OCEAN SHORES, HOME OF THE SOGGY TOAST”?
Should we come up with a jingle, to play on the radio?:
Ocean Shores has the most
We really have to boast
If you’re heading to our coast
You’ll end up soggy toast!
Should we encourage our fine eateries to put up this sign:
“Special today: Eggs, bacon and soggy toast, only $4.99!”
And – not that you big city folks at your fancy magazine will care much – think of how much our local youth will suffer. When the high school teams go to play against the Aberdeens and Montesanos, they’ll hear chants of “SOG-GY TOAST! SOG-GY TOAST!”
Really! If you must demean us, please do so in a culturally appropriate way.
May I suggest that you reprint the story, with the following quotation:
“These people are chowder, cold chowder,” she said glumly.
Or
“These people are toast,” she said glumly. “But crispy, satisfying toast – and what a view! Not to mention that it’s a great place for an affordable family get-away! And have you been to the Weatherwax? Etc.”
I eagerly await the next edition of your excellent (for the most part) publication, which I expect will incorporate my suggestions and correct this “soggy” slam upon our shores.
Your friend,
Tom Scanlon
P.S.: Nice photos!
Meanwhile, in Atlantis City . . .
Tome O’Scanlinn has emerged from “an extended hiatus.” He reports that in our sister city, 13.333 miles due west of Ocean Shores, the “Occupie Atlantis City” movement had come to a full-stop.
“The Admiral tried several tactics to clear the park in front of City Hull (as the floating City Hall is commonly called), all without much luck. First, he called a city-wide curfew every night, at 6 p.m. Sadly, no one noticed.
“Then, he ordered a police raid, with officers to user Tasers on and arrest anyone who did not leave the Occupie Park immediately.
“Unfortunately, the raid was called on an extremely foggy night, and the ACPD had a hard time figuring out their new GPS gadgets. They ended up raiding and Tasering the occupants of the Sleepy Time Retirement RV Park, just west of Occupie Park. Lawsuits are still being sorted out . . .
“Finally, the Admiral hit on a stroke of genius. He ordered ‘city-wide Happy Hour, round-the-clock.’ Within hours, the camp was deserted, and bars were full.”
As often happens, Atlantis City has phenomena that is similar to ours. So it is that, when I told Tome about all the birders who have been flocking to (forgive the pun) Damon Point to see and photograph the Snowy Owls who have suddenly populated our shores, O’Scanlinn couldn’t resist his usual one-upmanship.
“How charming,” he responded, and I could almost smell the condescension. “But you should really come on over here and visit Demon Point. The infamous Ice Bats are back, and drawing the usual crowds of science students and naturalist researchers. These little things are almost precisely the color of ice, and would be impossible to spot, were it not for their bright red eyes.
“At dusk, many an unsuspecting tourist heading back from a hike will look up and suddenly see dozens of pairs of red eyes, bearing down on him or her.”
I made the mistake of attempting to reply in kind to Tome, telling him that his birds certainly sound quaint and amusing.
“Sure,” he sneered, “until they bite you.”
And he swore that he looked up an entry on them in a “bird bible,” and found that “Ice Bats diet consists mainly of bugs, ants, tourists and park rangers.”
(Note: This ending is slightly different than what appeared in print.)
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As a current owner and soon to be a retiree/homeowner, and I know this might be a silly comment to most of the “locals,” with all the LIDS’s we pay, the obvious question to me is, “how about another road or two outta here to higher ground?”
…a wee bit off topic…maybe…but my point is, you have bigger problems in this County and the City of Ocean Shores than a sarcastic Natl Geographic comment…if only you could focus your energy and writing skills on the issue of the REAL threats to people moving to Ocean Shores…a corrupt housing authority and do-nothing County Commissioners. If you focus your energies in THAT direction, maybe more people would move here, which of course, would benefit the local economy. What a challenge THAT would be. But if, instead, you choose to obsess about a snarky Natl Geographic comment, well, then you have no one but yourselves to blame for low population and economy.
…a hilarious rebuttal…how ’bout taking on the County Commissioners who appoint the housing authority board members, who all scare away prospective residents on a regular basis…Gray’s Harbor Housing Authority and the Commissioners are intent on allowing housing authority employees to treat disabled Americans such as myself from moving to Ocean Shores…so it’s not just Natl Geographic scaring people away.
EDITED FOR LENGTH . . . AND JUST A WEE BIT OFF TOPIC
As far as the threat of tsunamis is concerned, I’ve lived through umpteen hurricanes in my life, so what’s the point? The Midwest is tornado alley, the South is hurricane alley (not to mention Redneck alley)…what? Is there some magic island-in-a-bubble this Natl Geographic horse’s patoot suggests we all move to? I can just hear the sarcasm oozing from his piehole about Hawaii…if he thinks Ocean Shores is “soggy toast,” and people who live there are all “sitting ducks,” what’s he saying about Hawaii? If there’s a tsunami, it’s all over for them, as well.
Hmmmm…sad part is, we indeed ARE soggy toast if the big wave hits.
I think I know how and why the soggy toast expression was created. It is because of all the wet or “soggy money” that the city has forced from the water utility into city hall to support their extravagant budgets. Any thought about them having the ability to repay this money is as palatable as “burnt toast”. Therefore, combining the two expressions is the derivation of the phrase soggy toast.