Locals Only: And overtime for all!

Did you know the NFL, a collection of some of the most famous and richest athletes on the planet, does not have a union? With labor talks breaking down, the players strategically “decertified” their union.
What does that mean, exactly?
“An opening. For me,” says Angelo “The Spider” Biscotti, a union representative.
Mr. Biscotti is the point man of the Union Local 666, which represents the Toll Bridge Operators of Atlantis City. Though Atlantis City only has one toll bridge, The Spider tells me he represents 18 Toll Bridge Operators, who make an average of $75,000 per year. “Plus overtime,” he noted.
“Just three years ago,” Biscotti said, taking a well-chewed cigar out of his mouth, “there was only one Toll Bridge Operator. I negotiated a safety clause, where there would never be fewer than three operators, on a shift.”
But he wanted to talk to me not about bridges, but football. Looking big enough, girth-wise, at least, to play defensive line, Biscotti showed me a plan to “increase the longevity of careers of pro football players, by making their work environments safer, and more rewarding.”
Some highlights of his plan:
•Increase the number of players on the field to 13 on offense, and 13 on defense. This will by necessity increase roster sizes, creating more jobs.
•Starters will be determined not by the whims of the coaches, but by seniority. Those who have been on the roster the longest have the right to start, regardless of position.
•If a player’s performance is deemed “unsatisfactory” by a coach, the player shall be entitled to a written warning, and counseling.
•Any player with two (2) or more years experience who is “cut” by a coach shall be entitled to a grievance hearing.
•After 10 consecutive plays, any player on offense or defense will be entitled to a “rest break,” of at least 15 (fifteen) minutes.
•The offensive and defensive squads shall both elect a “shop steward.” Any communication from management to the players must go through the shop stewards.
•During drives of longer than eight (8) plays and/or eighty (80) yards,  all players will be entitled to a bathroom break.
•If the schedule expands to 18 games, all players will be entitled to a two-week vacation during the season, to be determined by seniority.
•Quarterbacks and Running Backs who do not wish to be tackled can yell “I surrender, my union brother!” Assuming the offensive player has paid his dues, at this point he will be down, without contact.
•Any Offensive Lineman suffering from diabetes, high blood pressure and/or obesity shall be offered sugar-free Gatorade and/or lo-cal nachos.
•Each team shall be required to employ one Right-Footed and one Left-Footed kicker, to increase diversity.
•All “trades” of players must be approved by the Union.
•Quarterbacks who call their own plays shall get a 10 percent bonus.
•Kickoff and Punt Returners will receive a 15 percent “dangerous duty” bonus.
•Fridays will be identified as “Casual Dress Practices,” with no helmets or shoulder pads required. Players may wear jeans, as long as they don’t have holes in them.
•During “film sessions” in which game tape is reviewed, players shall be offered popcorn and soda.
•Regardless of Pro Bowl, All Star or MVP status, any player who does not pay his union dues shall not play!
•If games are played in below freezing (32 degrees F or colder) weather, players shall be entitled to a 10 percent bonus.
•Rather than “Teams,” collections of unionized players shall be referred to as “Teamsters.”
•Fans who “BOO” the players, and/or give negative feedback, shall be ejected from the stadium, and notified that they may be subject to a lawsuit for psychological damage.
•Teams must hire a “specialist” to hold for field goals and point after kicks. Back-up quarterbacks may not do this.
•Wide receivers and running backs will not have to go “in motion” more than once, per set of downs.
•A representative of OSHA must be on the sidelines at every game, and will determine if any injury(ies) are due to unsafe work environments.
•Coaches and Management will be required to post the following in the locker room: “It’s not whether you win or lose, it’s making sure you stay safe.”

And, most important of all, The Spider told me:
•If the game goes into overtime . . . players get paid time-and-a-half!

tscanlon@northcoastnews.com