This week’s Locals Only

With just a wee bit of controversy over the appeals process, of the Ocean Shores Street LID, I think it might be instructive to check in with my counterpart, Tome O’Scannlin, former editor of the Atlantis City Coastal Weekly. He obliges:

As you know, here in Atlantis City, a city-wide bridge program was financed by the Special Assessment Proportionate System, or SAPS. The highly-paid consultant Wally McWally, credited for making SAPS of all of Atlantis City, divvied up the $125 million in total project costs, sending an Individual Managed Accounting Special Assessment Proportion (IMASAP) bill to each property owner.
If they didn’t like it, they could file a protest with a protest judge. And if they didn’t like the decision of the protest judge, they could appeal to the Senate, the ultimate decision making authority.
Frankie Coughka is one Atlantis Citian who was far from pleased with his bill. “IMASAP or not,” as he put it, “I can’t afford to pay this $25,000 bill!”
He says he lives in a “pimped-out clam shack,” which he purchased two years ago for $22,500. “And that included six clam guns, a 50-gallon chowder pot and a case of Rainier.”
Coughka was one of 3,750 or so people who filed written protests. He also attended the public hearing, and waited patiently to present his oral argument. At 4:15 a.m., more than 10 hours after the hearing began, his name was called.
“You can talk, but please be brief, and speak in a whisper,” the City Advisor said, in his ear. “We don’t want you to wake the Admiral.”
Indeed, the leader of the city was enjoying a snooze, in a big comfy chair.
Keeping his voice down, Frankie thought he presented a strong argument, including a list of recent sales that countered the McWally assessment, and a photo of his neighborhood’s bridge, which has already fallen down.
A week later, he received a post card from the City. It said:
“NO.”
There was also a line of tiny fine print, which he couldn’t read, even with a magnifying glass.
So, the next day, he took the postcard to City Center, the floating (nice metaphor, I say), $15 million extravagance on the shores of Atlantis City.
After being roughly frisked by armed security guards, and waiting a couple of hours, he was granted an audience with the City Administrator. “He said to keep it short because he was really busy,” Coughka later told me. “But I could see he had solitaire on his computer.”
When our man explained he wanted to file an appeal, the Administrator handed him a 40-page document. “You need to fill this out, make three copies, attach a cashier’s check for $250, and get it stamped by the City Notary.”
Coughka gulped; he thought the $250 fee was outrageous, but decided to do it, anyway. “What’s the deadline for all this?” he asked.
“Noon, tomorrow,” he was told.
Frankie stayed up all night filling out the paperwork, hurried to the bank and made it back to City Center at 11:55 a.m. Sweating and out of breath, he asked for the City Notary.
“On vacation,” he was told.
“I just need to get my appeal in,” he said, pulling his paperwork out of a battered briefcase. “Can anyone else stamp it?”
“Nope.”

tscanlon@northcoastnews.com