Locals Only: Generic shame speech

The sports star apology once was a deeply humiliating event, for all involved. How the mighty has fallen!
Now, we’ve become accustomed to the press conference to boo-hoo over wild promiscuity, abuse of steroids and recreational drugs, or just random crime sprees.
Most recently, it was golf mega-star Tiger Woods (who, apparently, became confused and believed he was part of the Professional Girlfriends Association), before him retired baseball slugger Mark McGwire (“Um, remember those home runs I hit from here to Canada? Surprise: steroids.”). Football and basketball players, boxers . . . name any sport, and you’ll find a disgraced hero, sniffling at the microphone.

For those sure to follow, here’s an all-in-one guide that, with slight modifications, can work for any sports hero who needs to do a little explaining:

“First of all, I’d like to say that, because certain crime investigations may or may not be ongoing, I can’t go into details or answer questions.
“I will say this: though I have not always used the best judgments, and done some questionable things, I have heard the rumors, and I’ll say they are completely off base. I never, ever did stuff like that, and I resent the accusations.
“When the truth comes out, those who have made false allegations will be very, very sorry.
“First, and most important, I’d like to apologize to my sponsors. Especially to the one or two who have stood by me. To those who felt the need to put our relationship on hold for now, I realize that, do to certain slanderous allegations and a couple of regrettable photos, my image isn’t what it used to be. But please don’t let three or at the most four felony charges and a handful of misdemeanors ruin what was previously an unvarnished reputation.
“I’d also like to point out, again without getting into specifics, that I point-blank asked that one lady if she was a cop. Even if I was slurring, if that’s not entrapment, I don’t know what.
“Let me make one thing perfectly clear to my adoring fans: I accept full responsibility for my actions. Even if much of this wasn’t my fault, and was the result of bad advice and being taken advantage of by some nefarious characters, I made errors in judgment to associate with those people (the ones who took advantage of me and tricked me into doing some bad things). Though it’s my nature to give people the benefit of the doubt, I probably should not have been associating with that biker gang, especially the day of the big game.
“I know there have been wild rumors and allegations of me supposedly using steroids, but I can honestly look any of you in the eye and say I truly did think it was cold medicine. I now understand that cold medicine is not usually injected into the buttocks, but back then I had a headache and just wanted to get better to help my team and/or sport.
“Now as I fight back some very  genuine tears, I’d like to also take this opportunity to apologize to my soul mate, the light of my life, the woman for whom I am eternally grateful to God for bringing to me: my wife.
“I’d like to apologize for this public apology, honey, but since you won’t take my calls . . . So I’ll just have to say I am deeply, profoundly, incredibly sorry. I apologize unequivocally, with the greatest remorse and humility. In short, I’m sorry, times a thousand.
“I look forward to a complete reconciliation, honey, but until then: Please, please don’t destroy my baseball card collection. I know you feel like taking revenge, but I started collecting those cards when I was 5 years old! There’s no reason to be rash, and if you really need to break something, go ahead and smash that mirror I got for you — the one with my face in the background.
“To my kids, I love you all very much. I know I haven’t always been the most attentive father, but I vow from this point on to remember all your graduations, birthdays and names. I am truly proud to be your father, no matter what I might have said when I was drunk.
“For the rest of you, I want to say that I am deeply ashamed to be here in front of you, even if I hand-picked you all (and thank you all again for attending last night’s rehearsal). When I look in the mirror, I seriously have no idea how this happened. I had it all: fame, fortune, a wonderful wife, a fantastic family, just an absolutely unbelievable amount of God-given talent, a handsome face, a to-die-for figure and extremely high intelligence. While many have called me ‘the complete package,’ I now realize there may have been one thing lacking: modesty. Humility. Humbleness.
“I guess this has shown that I, too, can make mistakes. Just like any of you guys watching at home. It doesn’t matter how much more talent I have, or looks and fame and money and all that, I now feel like a real human.
“In conclusion, I’d like to again take full responsibility for my actions, even though I was very recently diagnosed with a personality disorder. Apparently, I have something called Acute Egotitis, and also BJS, or Big Jerk Syndrome. I’ll be getting treatment and medications, and plan to go through the full Jerks Anonymous program.
“And when I come back, after this little break, I plan to return to the top of my game, and be bigger, stronger, faster, and humbler than ever.
“God bless you all, please forgive me and buy stuff from my sponsors.”

tscanlon@northcoastnews.com