Firewood scammer

The recent Locals Only column on “A Cozy Fire in 1,000 Easy Steps” led to a note of caution from a reader: some (expletive) around the North Beach sold “firewood” that turned out to be driftwood. “Unfortunately, it was not green (wet) from being recently harvested, but wet and salty from spending months in the ocean.  I can think of no quicker way to end the life of a stove and metal chimney than simultaneously introducing salt and steam to their interior.  Nonetheless, some wood-seller in your community is taking advantage of those who know no better.”

Here is the column, which was roughly 3 percent helpful, 66 percent obtuse and 100 percent great kindling:
Today’s column will tell you everything you need to know about fireplaces and wood burning stoves, two

of the coziest, most efficient, charming and generally exceptional, can’t-be-beat sources of heat one can imagine.
The Voice of Reason: What about gas heat? Or, even better, electrical heat?
Locals Only: You’re obfuscating and/or being obtuse.
The Voice of Reason (TVOR): Do you even know what that means?
Locals Only (LO): There you go again!
. . . As I was saying, before I was so rudely obfuscated, fireplaces and wood-burning stoves are widely accepted as “the way to go.”
Here’s what you will need, to get started: A chimney and/or a wood-burning stove.
Don’t have one?
No problem! In a future column, I will walk you through, step by step, the process on how to build your own fireplace and/or wood-burning stove, using only a hammer, sheet metal, a debit card and a licensed contractor.
For the purposes of today’s column, let’s assume you already own, rent or “hang out” in a house, apartment or condo that has a fireplace or a wood-burning stove.
The first thing to do is make sure your chimney is clean. The importance of a clean chimney simply cannot be overestimated. It is more important than nutrition, sleep, or oxygenated air.
TVOR: You just overestimated it.
LO: You think? Well, hopefully no one will notice . . . .

Seriously: A dirty chimney is a potential fire hazard, so keep it clean.
To clean your chimney, you will need: A ladder at least as tall as your roof, a chimney (see above); plastic tarps; a Professional Chimney Brush; a hacksaw; this newspaper; a phone book; a phone. Set up the ladder, tarps and brush, then use this newspaper’s classified ads and/or the phone book to look up a chimney sweep. Make your appointment, and when he or she arrives, make sure you are outside, holding your hacksaw. Say, “I was just doing a little . . . you know,” when he or she arrives.
You can also say, “I would have cleaned it myself, but . . .” Grimace, and twist your back a little, indicating (without actually bragging) an old injury in a Mixed Martial Arts bout that just crept up. The chimney sweep will nod sympathetically, let you know that having it professionally done is the way to go, and will only talk about what a wimp you are later, at the Chimney Sweep Bar & Grill.
If you must hum the Dick Van Dyke chimney song while the professional is cleaning yours, please do it quietly. (Once the chimney sweep is driving away, of course, you can belt it out, and even do a little dance . . .)
Now that your chimney is safe and clean, you will need a good supply of fire wood, to get started.
Be ready to act, as the best time to buy fire wood is rapidly approaching.
TVOR: Um, actually, the best time to buy fire wood was about three months ago, in the middle of summer.
LO: I know that! But don’t make them feel bad . . .

Again, you can sling your titanium, professional-grade chainsaw over your shoulder, hike out into the woods and get to work . . . But why waste your valuable time, not to mention a sizable fine and/or sentence? Again, the wise move is to use this professional-grade (more or less) newspaper’s classified ads, and your titanium-tipped cell phone.
Once you find a fire wood supplier, be prepared to ask these two questions: “Is it dry?” and “Is it seasoned?”
And be prepared for these two answers: “bone dry” and “You bet.”
In the two-plus years that I’ve taken a sabbatical from sanity and lived on the North Beach, I have purchased fire wood from four or five firewood purveyors. Each one has sold me “bone dry” wood. Just as there is, potentially, a used car salesman who will tell you, “You know, this one has some problems,” so, potentially, there is a firewood purveyor who will tell you, “It’s a little wet.”
One way to tell if wood is “dry”: It’s light, and has a hollow feel.
The going rate for firewood is about $125 per cord, higher if it’s delivered.
How big is a cord?
The Internet, which of course would never lie, tells me a cord is “4 feet high by 4 feet wide by 8 feet long.” When you’re buying firewood, it’s usually a big pickup truck load. The size of the load and exact price should all be negotiated over the phone, before the delivery. (Recommendation: Rent Samuel Jackson’s 1998 film, “The Negotiator,” before you begin.)
Now that you have a good supply of firewood, you’ll still need: kindling, and “starter.” Kindling can be anything from dried branches to bits of wood to my wife’s life-sized Johnny Depp cardboard cutout.
For “starter,” you simply cannot beat the North Coast News. Crinkle it up, toss in a match and POOF, you have a nice fire going.
And to think, some people say this newspaper is “worthless” . . .
I recommend a modified pyramid, with your starter, kindling loosely layered over that, and firewood loosely layered over that.
Try balling up the paper and putting that in first, then a big piece of firewood in the front, resting the kindling and smaller pieces of firewood from the big piece to the back of the unit.
And if that fails, you can always get one of those  gasoline-soaked fake logs . . .

I trust this column has been helpful, and you are ready to begin enjoying the most efficient, effective source of heat developed by mankind, in our 3,000 or so years of existence.
The Voice of Reason: Have you already forgotten what I told you about the far more energy efficient gas and electric heating?
Locals Only: Don’t give me that fancy mumbo jumbo! This isn’t Manhattan, or Paris or Montesano, this is the North Beach!