Locals Only: Where the dogs are

Warning: The Surgeon General has deemed the following irrelevant, with dangerously high saccharine levels:

Recently, we’ve noticed a disturbing trend: Internet, replacing real life.

Rather than romping on the beach, going for long walks, or just simply playing in the back yard, more and more dogs are huddled over their computers, trading lingo-filled “bdogs” and generally wasting hours at Web sites like Facebark, Twoofer and Mycouch.

For instance, on Mycouch, Sparky’s profile page has wallpaperof paws and fire hydrants.

We see his profile:

Status: So single!

Here for: Networking, friends, romance, “just sniffin’”

Hometown: ???

Body type: Athletic

Ethnicity: Spaniel/Lab mix

Religion: I believe in everything!

Zodiac sign: Canis major

Children: Love em!

Education: Graduate of Disobedience School

Occupation: Full-time dog

Income: Two meals per day

Sparky’s most recent “bdog” entry:

July 7:

WTB! (Editor’s note: short for What The Bark)

Wuz out walkin on a rainy day, ya know, doin my thang, and some bonehead drives by and splashes me!!!

I’m like WTB??!!! Thought I had it bad, then i look over and my human was DRENCHED! Dogs, I wuz HOL! (Note: howling out loud)

anywayz gotta go, cat next door needs chasin!

Twoofer is the latest craze among computer hounds, where the likes of “Dock Sund,” “Hydrant Maniac,” “P-row” and “The Real Snoop Doggg” trade snippets of their lives.

Here are a few excerpts:

“A’right all my twogs, lets twoofup at the park,” @Firecracker recently twoofed.

“On it like spots on a Dalmation,” @Comet shot back.

“Twark at me, M, wag’s up?” @P-row texted.

“Go sniff yerself!” @Maya answered. “J/W!”

(The latter, of course, stands for “Just Waggin’!”)

Facebark has become a popular time waster, with prompts like “What’s on your mind?” kicking off dogalouge:

Jakey: Success! Unwatched pie on counter = my lunch! Burp.

Shizam: Showoff.

Cozmo: Hi paw, Jakey!

Waffle76 is thinking of . . .  Favorite food: Mailman leg; deer “stuff”; any bone; treats; table scraps(!).

Mikey: Anyone ever bit a mail lady? What they taste like?

RayRay: Bleh. Not enough meat.

Lucy: Air Dale, you been drinkin outta the toilet too long.

Comet: Just saw Sparky at the park. He smells great!

RayRay: Ick, I smell terrible! Just had a bath.

Goldy: How bout that Chocolate Lab and the Akita down at the Jetty? Three words; get a room!

Poodlerama: Gotta go, sniff ya later.

B.Gul: Favorite games: Frisbee; tennis ball; tug-of-war; chase-the-neighbor.

Yorkie07: Frisbee? Blech! Plastic breath.

Golden Boy: HOL at chase-the-neighbor! Got one on my street that would make a tastee snack!

Sousie: No walk 2day cause rain?! “Someone” is gonna have an accident — right on that new carpet!

Labsrule: You go, girl!

On and on they go, these Cyberdogs.

Meanwhile, some mailmen notice they can walk once dangerous alleys, with not a growl. Prime gardens are undisturbed; parks are dead quiet, as paws that once trampled over grass now scamper over keyboards.

We’ll leave social scientists to figure out what this means, to our culture.

For now, as the cool dogs say:

Wag out.

tscanlon@northcoastnews.com