Locals Only: How to Argue

In which the local Editor, who clearly has been sniffing too much fresh LID asphalt, attempts to dissect the Art of Arguing:

Here follows a methodology to achieve a “100 percent success rate,” when engaged in emotional discussion (i.e., argument) with your spouse or loved one.

Better put, this column will prove how to win every argument with your spouse and loved one.

. . . No, that’s not it, either. Let’s try: Here’s how to consistently get the better of your spouse and/or loved one.

First we must ask ourselves: What, exactly, is an argument?

To which we answer: Oh, everybody knows what an argument is, you idiot!

See? You’re falling into the trap, already.

And that trap is called “emotionalism.” Emotions are not, per se, bad things. “Love,” “joy,” “melancholy,” “anger” and so on are what separate us from rocks, seaweed, IRS agents and other inanimate objects.

Moreover, “suppressing” emotions can be dangerous, and send you straight to the psychiatrist’s office, without passing the pharmacy. So let’s learn how to manipulate them!

Good role models, in this case, are the Stoics. These folks were extremely difficult to argue with, mainly because they didn’t care, one way or another. Technically, they never “won” arguments, because winning would imply they really did care, and they didn’t.

You will note that the Stoics gradually became extinct, due to being so boring that no one wanted to mate with them.

Again, while we can learn from them, we certainly want to actually win arguments, and, by all means, we want to retain our mates, and ideally, using such subtle methods that they don’t realize it’s happening, dominate them.

To do so, one must entirely change the method or arguing. Breathe deeply, slow down your pulse by imagining you are on a soft, breezy, sandy beach.

*Note: If you are already on a soft breezy, sandy beach and you start to argue, this will NOT work!

Now, instead of the “I’m right”/”No you’re not, I’m right!” approach to arguing, which has got mankind exactly where it is, take yourself to a higher plane of existence. Remind yourself that there is a reason that you love this raging, red-cheeked, screeching person who is calling you a liar; there’s a very good reason, really there is. Understand that she or he (probably she, studies show) is merely temporarily upset, or at the worst temporarily insane, though now that you mention it perhaps permanently distorted, psychically.

Repeat to yourself: “I love this person, really I do, and I can always get that windshield replaced . . .”

Now that you have calmed yourself, start agreeing. Even if you’re absolutely, 100 percent positive that “she” (just to make things easier, let’s stick with “she,” shall we? thanks) said you were to meet at 2:45 p.m., even if you have proof it was 3 p.m. in writing, and secondarily have a voicemail that can be verified by speech experts, agree with her. “Yes, I realize you were right, I should have been here at 2:45.”

And give yourself 500 points.

Now, when “she” says, “You bozo! All you need is a red nose and big shoes, because you sure can’t tell time!,” smile to yourself and say nothing, but subtract 1,000 points from her  score.

Chuckle, and say, with as much sincerity as you can muster, “Ha ha, that’s a good one! Anyway, the important thing is, I’m sorry. Your time is extremely valuable, and there’s absolutely no reason I shouldn’t have been here right on time. I’m a jerk, there’s no  two ways around it.”

And give yourself 756,432.5 points.

As you can tell, you already have a commanding lead, and are well on your way to winning this battle.

And every one.

tscanlon@northcoastnews.com