Locals Only: More laws, please

Ocean Shores is lowering speed limits, starting June 22. (See next post.)

While they’re at it, here are some other laws and fines that should go on the books:

•Delay of Turn Signal. Technically, you’re following the existing laws, if you throw the turn signal on just before turning. But what are you saying? “Ha ha, fooled you! Now you can’t turn in front of me!” Or is it “I’m such a random person, I could turn at any moment – beware!”? Either way, you should be fined, $15 per offense.

•Manufacture of a Rumor With Intent to Tell. Small-town gossip may sound like a harmless way to pass the time, but it can lead to greater crimes, such as snobbery, innuendo and even snarking. First offense, soap mouthwash. Second offense: the stocks (in the middle of the new Roundabout?).

•DUI (Dialing Under the Influence). “Shy shush shwanna shay shy shove shoo!” Punishment: No beer for a week.

•Vibeslaughter (a.ka., Excess Negativity). A little healthy cynicism, no problem. But if someone says, “Wow, what a beautiful day!”, and you respond, “Sure, if you want skin cancer,” or if someone tells you how great it is Ocean Shores got $3 million free for its new water system, and you say, “Oh, they’ll figure out how to screw it up” . . . Warning, first offense. Mandatory Prozac, second offense.

•Time Theft. “Say, I know you’re busy, but let me just tell you this one real quick: When I was driving up from Arizona, which reminds me you ever been to Minnesota? You know when I was a kid there it used to snow . . . “ First offense, warning. Second offense, go get a job.  

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•Supermarketeering (a.k.a, Holding Up the Line). Examples: “Oh my gosh, I forgot diapers – can you run and grab me some? And an 18-pack of beer, while you’re at it.”  Or, more often, paying the $65.37 bill, entirely in nickels and pennies. First offense, no coupons for a week. 

•CAPITAL Offenses. Emailing in ALL CAPS reads like you’re SCREAMING. Punishment: No computer, for one week.

•Open Coughing/Sneezing. If you’re not covering your mouth, you should be busted. First offense, $25 fine. Second offense, mandatory mask for 30 days. Third offense, relocation . . . to Forks.

•This Is a No Sagging Zone. Not wearing a belt? Loose jeans sagging? Underwear showing? That’ll cost you $50, first offense. Second offense: mandatory suspenders.

tscanlon@northcoastnews.com