The Sports Column: Manny, A-Rod, Brett

Three recent stories have been a nice distraction (for me, at least) from the Mariners’ losing streak/plummet to reality. 

The stories: A new book says Alex “A-Rod” Rodriguez started using steroids in high school, and, as a major league, tipped pitches to opposing batters (hoping for the same in return); quarterback Brett Favre is considering coming out of retirement; and L.A. Dodgers slugger Manny Ramirez, whose previous bizarre behavior was often shrugged off as “That’s Just Manny Being Manny,” was suspended after testing positive for artificial testosterone and a female fertility drug.

Here’s how I see these stories playing out, in the near future:

May 15: Favre releases as statement promising “I’ll never throw a football again. Not even to my kids. I’m retired forever, and that’s it.”

May 16: Super-slow motion instant replay of A-Rod at bat appears to show that he is blinking “Throw me a fast ball down the middle and I’ll take you to dinner” in Morse code.

May 17: Manny issues a statement, saying, “I thought it was cold medicine. Seriously. No wonder I started obsessively watching ‘Beaches’ and ‘Sleepless in Seattle.’” 

May 18: Favre signs with Minnesota Vikings.

May 20: In between innings, A-Rod “accidentally” sits in the Boston Red Sox dugout. Before leaving, he is seen slippping David Ortiz a $20 bill, and winking.

May 21: Manny is spotted enjoying his suspension at a mall, getting his nails done in Dodger blue.

May 23: Favre is a sensation at his first mini-camp practice, throwing 50-yard lasers, joking with teammates and charming fans. He seems to be his ol’ happy-go-lucky self.

May 23: After practice, Favre announces, “I’m too tired to do this anymore. I’m retiring.”

May 24: Favre shocks teammates, coaches and reporters by showing up on time for practice. Asked about his statement the day before, he shrugs, says, “I just meant I was retiring for the night. You know, going to bed.”

June 3: Reporter spots A-Rod in the Minnesota dugout, giving a pre-game massage to pitcher Francisco Lariano. 

June 12: Favre calls press conference “to clear up mis-interpretations.” He said accusations that he is manipulative and needy are incorrect, and based on his Southern accent. “When I said I was ‘re-tiring’ all those times, I just meant I was trading out the tires on my tractor.”

July 11: Manny returns from his suspension, and hits home runs on his first three at bats. On his fourth at bat, with a chance to hit a record-tying home run, he breaks down crying and has to leave the game. Asked about it later, a teammate shrugs, “That’s just Manny being hormonal.”

July 23: As the Yankees begin a visit to Seattle, Mariners fans greet A-Rod with a long chorus of BOOOO. Out of the corner of his eye, Rodriguez catches several of his Yankees teammates joining in the boo-ing.

September: Manny hits over .400, driving in barrels of runs and leading the Dodgers to the playoffs, all along using a pink Mother’s Day bat. Asked about it, he says “It’s to honor my mother, and to show it’s not easy being a girl.” He shrugs off recent weight gain.

Oct. 3: Dodgers face Yankees in World Series. When Manny comes up to bat, A-Rod can be heard coughing loudly; sometimes the cough sounds like “fastball,” other times, “curveball.”

 Oct. 7: In Game 6, with the Dodgers threatened by elimination, a portly Manny comes off the bench  to hit a game-tying home run. Grimacing around the bases, he collapses at home plate, and is rushed to the hospital. “He’s going to be all right,” a team spokesman later says. “He’s just in labor.”

Oct. 8: Dodgers win the World Series, though neither superstar appears. It’s later learned that A-Rod was taped to his locker, by teammates. And Manny watched the game from the hospital, exhausted but smiling as he held his new twins. Asked to comment, a teammate shrugged and said, “That’s just Manny being Mommy.”

December: A youthful Favre plays terrific quarterback, leading the Vikings to the playoffs.

Feb. 3, 2010: In the Super Bowl, the Steelers are dominating the Vikings, but Favre rallies his team. Down 28-23, he takes the Vikings to the Steelers 9 yard line. On fourth-and-goal, with 3 seconds left, Favre calls a timeout . . . and retires. The substitute quarterback rushes into the game, and is sacked. Vikings lose.

At a post-game conference, a teary-eyed Favre says, “I’m sorry, but I just didn’t have the drive, anymore.” Manny hands Brett a tissue, and A-Rod gives the QB soothing advice: “If at first you don’t succeed, cheat and cheat again.”

tscanlon@northcoastnews.com