Locals Only: Postcard from the Future

An acquaintance of mine, who claims to be a time traveler, sent me this “postcard from the future”:

Dec. 31, 2009

My dear comrade,

What a year it has been! What a great time to be a Citizen of the great United Socialist States of America!

Let me reflect on these amazing 12 months, and offer some commentaries.

•In January, a new Administration took over. It was announced that, since banks are the backbone of our economy, and several of the largest banks had less actual cash than the average Third Grader who saves his or her allowance, the Administration would take the banks under a gentle wing, and protect them from having to pay for their disastrous investments. 

•In February, the Big Three car manufacturers drove from Detroit to Washington, D.C., and explained to Congress that a) we’re going to need help from the government to survive; and b) can you lend us gas money to drive home? Realizing that the Big Three were the backbone of the American car business, the Administration draped a gentle arm around their shoulders, whispering, “There, there, everything’s going to be all right, just sign here and we’ll get you out of this mess – and don’t bother to read the fine print.”

•In early March, executives from various financial institutions caused outrage by trying to cash six and seven-figure bonuses, generously paid for by the American tax payer. “I can’t understand why people are upset, I totally deserve my bonus,” argued one banking executive. “Do you know how much stress losing other people’s money has caused me? I haven’t slept more than seven hours a night in months.”

•At the end of April, President Obama fired the head of GM and ordered Chrysler/Jeep to partner up with Fiat. Almost immediately, there were plans unveiled for the Alpha Wranglero, aka “Mini Jeep.”

•By May 15, the billions and billions of dollars that were pumped into the TARP program were suddenly gone. A furious President Obama fired Federal Reserve Chairman Ben Bernanke, replacing him with Neal “Fast & Furious” Moritz, who was charged with creating, producing and directing “TARP 2.”

•On June 18, the New York Yankees went to Washington, announcing that the new stadium wasn’t going so hot, and the recession was ripping apart their finances. The Administration quickly stepped in, announcing, “The demise of the Yankees would threaten baseball as we know it.” Billions in Federal money was pumped into the pinstripes, but not without stipulations: Manager Joe Giradi was fired, replaced by the astute manager Bill Clinton. Also, bonus money to Alex Rodriguez was suspended, and he was told he would have to start buying his own makeup.

•Bank of America shocked the free world, on (of all days) July 4, by sending a foreclosure notice . . . to the White House.  An embarrassed Treasury Secretary Timothy Geithner said he had the money, but forgot to send the mortgage check in. “I should have known better,” he told a Congressional inquiry.

•In September, the heads of McDonald’s, Taco Bell and Jack in the Box went to Capitol Hill, pleading for Federal bail-outs. Congress and the Administration agreed, with one Senator commenting, “I hate to do this, but the failure of the Greasy Three would threaten American fast food, as we know it.” With the bailout money came harsh stipulations: Jack was immediately sent packing, Ronald McDonald broke down weeping under tough financial questioning, and Chef Gordon Ramsay of “Hell’s Kitchen” took over Taco Bell. Fuming that “this entire menu is a catastrophe,” Ramsay changed the name and theme: Tapas Belle.

•Exercising Eminent Domain, President Obama on Oct. 1 federalized Bill Gates. “I kind of hate to do this,” the President admits to the world’s richest man, “but we need the money.”

•On Nov. 21, the Government takes over the Dow Jones Average, which had been plummeting. Treasury Secretary Geithner announces that, until further notice, the Dow Jones will close every day 10 points higher than it started.

•Stating that “The failure of the New York Times would be a death blow to American journalism,” on Christmas Eve the Obama Administration takes over the New York Times. The Times headline, on Dec. 25: “You Better Be Good, We’re Watching You.” 

 tscanlon@nothcoastnews.com