This just in

This is an unconfirmed report, but it’s been brought to my attention that a certain market in a certain town has opened a 9-items-or-less Express Lane.

It should be noted that this lane was said to be open today and today only.

The following were prohibited at this special Express Lane:

-Paying with checks, especially if they’re not your own.

-Paying a $51.22 ring-up, entirely with nickles and pennies.

-Showing off baby pictures to the checker, bag boy and people standing in line gritting their teeth into fake smiles.

-Whipping out about six debit cards, and saying, “OK, now let me remember which password goes with which one again, oh these computers!”

-After being rung up for 12 bags of groceries, saying to the checker, “Oh gosh darn I forgot the beans, would you be a dear and run and get me a can. Make it two cans. And a 12-pack of pop while you’re at it. And go ahead and grab me three or four avacados, nice and ripe but not too squishy . . .”

-After digging around in a huge purse or wallet for 5 minutes, finally starting to pay the $77.31 ring-up, counting out 76, 77, going into the change purse and counting out and handing over two dimes and two nickles, digging out that last penny, and, as the sixteen people in line breath a sigh of relief, start to hand over that last penny, only to freeze your hand in mid-air and say to the check-out person, “You know, the funniest thing happened to me on the way over here. I went to the Post Office, and you’ll never believe who I saw there, and you’ll never believe the funny story she told me! Her aunt’s cousin’s daughter, the one who’s real smart but kind of weird?, anyway, her friend’s step-brother’s sister-in-law was walking on the beach, no, that’s right, I’m getting ahead of myself, they hadn’t left the house yet . . .”