The Sports Column: March Madness

Your hard-watching Sports Fan is working at full tilt, this month. It’s not just about “March Madness,” which has come to be synonymous with the NCAA men’s basketball tournament. (Little known fact: the term came about when a young woman in Chicago literally went insane, after her tournament-watching boyfriend failed to realize she had cut her hair, lost weight, bought a new outfit and got engaged to his best friend.)

March of 2009 also has professional basketball and hockey “heating up” as they charge toward post-seasons which will last the remainder of the calendar year. Throw in a busy NFL off-season, with wheeling and dealing and the college draft fast approaching.

Then we have Major League baseball’s “spring training,” a glorious time during which the Sports Fan is certain that this will be the year for his beloved team. (Even though his beloved team hasn’t won a championship since Abner Doubleday was waxing his mustache.)

Add in the World Baseball Classic for the all-you-can-watch Sports Fan to gorge upon . . .

Those of you who spend your spare time doing crossword puzzles in Latin, or jockeying for position in your Fantasy Physicists League, or even just sitting around unwinding derivatives may sneer at these seemingly frivolous contests

But, please, have mercy. Understand that the Sports Fan is doing, in his or her own way, some brilliant multi-tasking, utilizing brain cells that, though perhaps not fully charged, might otherwise turn into fat cells.

So refrain from the following sarcastic questions and/or comments:

-Siena? Isn’t that a crayon? Why is Louisville playing a crayon?

-Why do they call this ‘exhibition season’? Are they a bunch of exhibitionists? They certainly are wearing tight enough pants.

-Is France in this world baseball thing? They should be. Be nice to go to one of their games and have some good fondue.

-Nice Ken Griffey Jr. jersey. You probably wouldn’t have had to go out and buy one, if you didn’t burn all the ones you had back in 2000. Oh, by the way, did you know that Coco Crisp and Rich Aurilia both had higher slugging percentages than ‘The Kid’ last year?

-Why are they timing this gigantic fat guy in the 40-yard-dash? Shouldn’t it be the 40-hot-dog-dash?

-Which team has better steroids?

-How can there be ‘overtime’? Where do they play that, in ‘overspace’? 

-Here’s a napkin. You’re double-dribbling, again.