Locals Only: Godzillanet

The weekly newspaper editor explains the magic of the Webbernet, or whatever they call it:

Sometime in early 2002, a bottle washed up on the shores of Lake Washington, not far from the Microsoft “campus.” Inside the bottle was a note: “Help! It’s Bill, I’m stuck at a conference in Ocean Shores. I asked one of the ‘locals’ where I could go for wireless. He looked at me funny and said, ‘What? We haven’t had the telegraph office here for a couple years, but if you go over to the IGA I hear they have one of those facts machines.”

All that was soon to change.

In late September of 2008, an 8-year-old boy was poking around the sand near the Chance a la Mer approach, looking for clams. He hit something solid, and, being an 8-year-old boy, decided to hit it harder. And harder again.

There was an ominous, gurgling sound, which made him stop. After a pause, a tiny email (“bored at work, whatcha doin?”) popped out of the hole dug by the kid. That was followed by a Google search (“Brittney Spears + crazy”), a Web site by an obscure Tacoma band (myspace.com/thescreamingeuphemisms) and, finally, out came a massive geyser of Youtube videos, half-baked rumors, Craigslist ads and spam, lovely spam, glorious spam . . .

Ocean Shores had the Internet!

This unexpected discovery enabled the North Coast News, just 20 years into its existence, to “go online.” Now, instead of waiting breathlessly all week for the Police Log, community news, and who-said-what-about-whom, you can go online and read it, every minute of every day!

Or, if you prefer, occasionally.

This brings us to one of the debates of 2009: Will newspapers survive the Internet? (A more important question: “Will anyone survive the Internet?” But I leave that to be tackled by multi-million dollar government studies.)

Many in the newspaper world cower away from the Internet, viewing it as a giant monster stomping on the Seattle P-I here, eating the Denver Post there, lifting up the San Francisco Chronicle and shaking it, as all the reporters scream from the windows . . . It’s just a matter of time, some will tell you, before Godzillanet kills off all the dailies, weeklies and monthlies, all over the country.

I’m not so sure.

Call me old fashioned, or a contrarian, or just plain stupid, but I can think of several ways the good, old-fashioned print edition of the newspaper is better than the digital world.

-You can’t wrap fish with the Internet. To make sure I was right, I tried this. The process is an unmitigated disaster, and will leave your computer smelling funny.

-Newspapers make great kindling. Wait – finish this column before you attempt this! A properly aged newspaper will give a nice, clean, crisp burn, igniting dried wood and leaving behind a neat pile of ashes. Try that with a laptop and you will have a toxic mess on your hands, and the Environmental Protective Agency knocking at your door.

-Have you ever tried to take your computer to the “relaxation room”? (I’m trying to be as polite as possible.) It’s not advised. I did find one used toilet with a built-in laptop on Craigslist, and the guy selling it said I could have it for free, he just needed help cashing a $10,000 check, I could even keep a hundred bucks, all he needs is for me to deposit it in my bank account and send him a cashier’s check for the $9,900 . . . Too complicated. Newspapers reign, in the “throne room.”

-A reader recently complimented me (all right, he did do it via email) on this newspaper, which he remarked “makes a great lining for my parrot’s cage.” Try that with your Dell! Good luck! Advantage, again, newspapers.

-When I painted the front room, did I cover the areas I didn’t want to splash paint on with old computers? No! I used old newspapers. True, I did Google “how to paint my front room,” but still.

-When was the last time you caught a cold from the newspaper? Or opened the Sports page and had it crash on you?

-A recent study shows 9 out of 10 dogs prefer fetching the newspaper, over fetching the Internet.

-Ever try swatting a fly or squashing a spider with a rolled up Web site? 

I rest my case.

tscanlon@northcoastnews.com