Surreality Check

Notes on the recession, care of the coffee-crazed dreams of a professional paranoid:

*The good news is that the bad news is not as bad as it could have been. Indeed, it is not as bad as Nostradamus predicted, by 57 percent.

*The bad news is that, effective immediately, there will be no more good news.

*Starbucks said it had “mixed results,” after laying off its entire fleet of 600,000 baristas, and going to a “self-serve environment.” There were long lines, and severe burns, as customers attempted to master the complex steamers. “We have full confidence that our loyal clientele will help us find our identity,” said a company spokesperson, doing a chipper radio interview from a busy store. “Indeed, we project that within six months . . . sir, what part of ‘milk first, steam second’ do you NOT understand?”

*In January, world-wide smiling was down, by an alarming 42 percent, over the previous January. And, perhaps even more tellingly, “fake smiles” were up as high as 60 percent, in some countries. “Having done some projections using the most conservative models,” said one emotion expert, “we are predicting that, by the year 2020, smiling will be extinct, in most cultures. Except, of course, in some California cults.”

*Last week, the charismatic President Obama gave a stirring speech at a Wisconsin truck manufacturing plant, in which he said the stimulus plan about to pass Congress would “generate or save” hundreds of jobs, in this very factory. As soon as he had finished and been whisked away by a waiting helicopter, the general manager of the plant took the microphone, and apologetically noted that everyone was being laid off, effective immediately. “What? What about the speech?!” the workers demanded. As it turns out, the President was in the wrong plant, “but he’s so nice and sincere, we didn’t have the heart to tell him.”

*At a high-level meeting in Switzerland, scientists around the world reluctantly announced they are cancelling Global Warming. “We just can’t afford it,” said one.

*At a high school in southern California, the principal announced that, effective immediately, not only are all cell phones and video games banned, but also any teacher that confiscates them may keep them, in lieu of salary.

*The United States Treasury shamefully admitted that it, too, had invested in the Madoff funds later revealed to be “Ponzi schemes.” Said the head of the Treasury: “I guess the lesson learned is that, if something sounds too good to be true, don’t invest billions of taxpayer money into it. Tough lesson, but a good one.”

*The Detroit Lions announced they are “furloughing” their players for four games, next year. “By going 0-12, instead of 0-16,” said a team spokes person, “we can save 25 percent on payroll.”

*President Obama today outlawed nostalgia. “I don’t want to hear any more talk of ‘the good old days,’ not now, not ever!” he said. “Anyone who says ‘Boy, I sure miss my 401k’ or ‘Remember capitalism? That was something, wasn’t it!’ will be jailed, immediately.”

-Tom Scanlon