If only . . .

If I was running the Recession, here’s how it would go:

*Geico regretfully announces that, due to declining revenues, it will lay off the lizard,.

*In an effort to save on ink and paper, journalists around the U.S. have been asked to reduce the use of cliches by 30 percent, and slash hyperbole in half.

*Joe Biden, the Vice President of the United States of America, has been let go. President Obama said this will save more than $1 million in salary, benefits, Secrect Service, etc. Biden will receive a stipend of $25,000, to be “on call.”

*Saying it will save more than $100,000 per year, the Seattle Mariners announced they would discontinue the position of Third Base Coach. “We hardly ever have any runners get that far, anyway,” said a team spokesperson.

*The Pentagon has announced that, due to steep budget cuts, it will start 25% fewer wars, over the next decade. “We’re going to have to be very selective about where and when we go to war,” said a general. “There may be times when we have to say, ‘Sorry, guys, we can’t afford to fight you, we’re just going to have to talk this out.’”

*Paris Hilton has been laid off. “We’re not really sure what she does,” said a company spokesman. “But she won’t, anymore.”

*Boeing announced it was laying off CEO James McNerney, saving the company more than $20 million. Because of this layoff, thousands of Boeing production workers will keep their jobs.

*To save money, Company X laid off its entire Human Resources department. One month later, it planned more cuts. “That’s where we realized where we went wrong,” said a company spokesman. “There wasn’t anyone to handle the layoffs, so we had to keep everybody!”

*Citing “rising labor costs that we can’t justify,” Hollywood has given Adam Sandler his walking papers. As an actor, at least. He has been offered a position as a Assistant to the Production Assistant, at minimum wage (plus tips).